Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Get Better At Oral Sex?

Image via Shutterstock. Hello all you pervert people of the intertubes, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the time-jaunting dating advice column that helps you avoid mistakes before you make them. This week, we’re going to be engaging with traumas past and present in hopes of a brilliant and happier future. How do you overcome a spectacular fail during sex and learn to get back on the metaphorical horse? And what do you do when your body is… imperfect, in a very noticeable way? Time to fire up the pocket watch and jump back to the start of the day. Let’s do this thing. Advertisement Hey Doc, This is the story of the one time I tried going down on a girl. Spoiler: lots of tears. My first girlfriend and I had been dating for nearly a year when she first starting giving me head (we were both virgins and pretty timid about sexual activity in general). A few months later, I figured I should return the favor and try reciprocating. What neither of us knew at the time was that she had a yeast infection, and thus things did NOT smell or taste good down there. I involuntarily made…

Ask Dr. NerdLove: The Sex Is Gone From My Marriage

Image via Shutterstock Hello all you pervert people of the intertubes, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating column that’s syndicated on New Tuchanka. Advertisement This week, it’s all about your willingness to take risks and expose yourself to hard truths. How do you break out of a self-reinforcing dating cycle that has you convinced you’re going to die alone and unloved? What do you do when the solutions to your relationship woes just seem to make things worse? And are you willing to admit that maybe, just maybe, things aren’t as bad as you think they are? This might get as intense as the stormy love story in Blasto 6: Partners In Crime. Let’s do this thing. Advertisement Hey, Doc. So I’m completely lost right now in my dating life and I could really use some sound advice. A little perspective first, I’m 32 years old, good looking (or at the very least, by all accounts above “average”), hold a good job, a nice apartment; I check what most would consider all the boxes for a sound catch. I have no problem attracting women on tinder or bumble, either. My problem is when I do find someone…


Looking For Love As A Dark Souls Character On Tinder

Black Iron Tarkus is one of the most badass characters in Dark Souls, but how would he fare in the modern dating world? We signed him up to Tinder to find out — it would be his toughest challenge to date. Advertisement There exists a perilous land mortals are ever drawn to, only to experience pain and hardship. A humbling journey to find the Chosen, and rekindle a flame. I speak, of course, of the land of dating. These are the adventures of Black Iron Tarkus on Tinder. This story originally appeared on Kotaku Australia. Advertisement Anyone who’s played Dark Souls – one of the best, most influential games of this era – remembers Black Iron Tarkus. By the time you meet him in game, you’ve already been introduced to the hardiness of the knights of Berenike — but only one of them had what it took to ring both legendary bells, and best the challenges that waited beyond. Tarkus is a solid guy — and I mean that both figuratively and literally. Anyone who’s braved the traps and treasures of Sen’s Fortress will know READ FULL STORY AT KOTAKU!


Blizzard Shuts Down Fanmade Overwatch Playboy Parody

Overwatch and porn (or, in this case, “artful eroticism”) have quite a history. Blizzard’s never seemed entirely comfortable with it, but the burgeoning Overwatch porn scene has raged on without its explicit approval. An Overwatch Playboy parody, however, apparently went too far. Advertisement Playwatch Magazine began as nothing but a series of Playboy-style covers featuring Overwatch characters, created by an artist named Manusogi. Then a site called ran with the idea and started pairing covers and art with articles. Some were in-universe (like interviews with Bastion and D.Va) while others highlighted fan content. Also there were a lot of near-nude Overwatch characters, because of course there were. All told, it was a pretty clever enterprise, albeit one that wasn’t the most family-friendly. Now they’ve received a copyright notice from a digital copyright agency representing Blizzard, which means the project is six feet under until further notice. “We have received a notification from a digital copyright protection agency that claims Playwatch Magazine infringes Blizzard’s intellectual property rights,” reads a message on Playwatch’s website (via PC Gamer). “For that reason, we have contacted Blizzard directly and decided to close the website READ FULL STORY AT KOTAKU!


My Issues With Relationships Ruined A Witcher 3 Playthrough

Last year, I cheated in a relationship that was honestly the best I’ve ever had. This is a pattern in my life, a problem that, for a long time, I refused to acknowledge. It’s even extended to video games like The Witcher 3. Advertisement It all started with me beginning to wonder the same thing I always do: “Is the relationship I’m in now the right one? Maybe I’m making a mistake.” From there, I managed to clumsily demolish a really solid foundation I’d spent nearly a year constructing with another person. I started talking to (and eventually flirting with) another person I found interesting. Instead of communicating with my girlfriend and working on our issues, I grew emotionally close to someone else. I made my girlfriend, miserable with worry and myself sick with anxiety. I never cheated on her physically, and I won’t go too much further into the nitty gritty of it, but when it ended, it ended bad. And I absolutely deserved every bit of it. It wasn’t the first time I’ve done this. And it wasn’t the first time I blamed the other person, or the READ FULL STORY AT KOTAKU!

Some Fans Already Want To Bang Mass Effect: Andromeda's New Alien 

We don’t know much about the Angara, Mass Effect’s new alien race. That’s OK, though. Some fans are already  getting flustered just thinking about having someone new to smooch. Advertisement That someone is an Angaran called Jaal, pictured above. As Eurogamer has noted, Jaal’s already got a clubhouse going on, fan art and everything. Really, it makes sense. Romance is such a big part of the franchises’ identity that people are still talking about sex scenes in Mass Effect 3. It helps that Bioware itself has embraced this fact: Producer on Mass Effect Andromeda Over in places like Tumblr, fans are affectionately referring to Jaal as a space squid cat who they want to, ahem, get to know better: Eurogamer claims there is porn of Jaal out there already, and while I couldn’t find any myself, the idea alone pulls us down a rabbit hole of ‘how would this alien even fuck?’ Advertisement Meanwhile, the developers over at Bioware are loving every moment of this, it seems like: READ FULL STORY AT KOTAKU!


Fire Emblem Heroes Is A Horny Casino

I’ve been playing Nintendo’s latest free mobile game, Fire Emblem Heroes, for the last few days, and I’m struck by how subtly sexual it is. Advertisement Take Niles the archer, for example. His description alone is fucky: If you rub Niles, he’ll say stuff like “Yours until I break, master,” and “Now now, be gentle.” It’s all stuff that fits his character from Fire Emblem Conquest, but it’s funny that even in a stripped-down version of the franchise, developer Intelligent Systems chose to keep this aspect intact, rather than some more hardcore strategy mechanics. Advertisement For years now, there’s been a rift within the Fire Emblem community, as the turn-based series embraces fan service to give players more of a connection to individual characters. In the main games, you can marry characters, you can rub them for affection, you can have children, and in Japan, the character voices are recorded in binaural audio, so that all whispers of love make your spine tingle. Fire Emblem’s modern identity means that new fans are more likely to talk about what character they READ FULL STORY AT KOTAKU!

absolute obedience

The Infamous Legacy of An Early Japanese “Boys Love” Sex Game

Absolute Obedience – Zettai Fukuju Meirei (2007) was one of the first commercial Japanese “boys’ love” visual novels officially localized in English, making it a something of a relic nowadays. After it was released, there wouldn’t be another licensed game from this niche genre brought over to the west for almost a decade, and some of its divisive themes and presentation give us a clue why. Advertisement Content Warning: Absolute Obedience has some uncomfortable sexual assault and rape scenes in it. If you read older reviews of Absolute Obedience, reactions to the game were mixed at best. Fans of otome (dating sims geared towards women) mentioned that they couldn’t disregard the sexual assault in Absolute Obedience. Whereas a more recent blurb about Absolute Obedience on a gay men’s lifestyle website reflected that it “remains interesting to see these terrible people out-maneuver each other.” Both are true. Still, Absolute Obedience is not for everyone—or much of anyone, really. It is best seen as a piece of BL canon in the West, a game worth examining for its historical and academic significance. My friend, Mattie Brice, even uses the game in her university level READ FULL STORY AT KOTAKU!

Overwatch Heroes Ranked, According To Pornhub Searches

Overwatch porn is a damn phenomenon. Our original report on the scene was one of our biggest stories of last year, and “Overwatch” ended up outranking “anal” on Pornhub’s top 20 search terms of 2016. I was curious, though: which heroes are most popular among the porn-seeking masses? Hint: not Bastion. Advertisement Pornhub gamely complied with my request for their top Overwatch character searches of last year. Here they are: 1. Tracer: 2,421,530 2. D. Va: 1,544,587 3. Mercy: 1,218,236 4. Widowmaker: 992,994 5. Sombra: 474,390 6. Mei: 311,874 7. Pharah: 213,440 8. Ana: 118,711 9. Symmetra: 32,352 10. Lucio: 22,808 11. Athena: 17,029 12. Reaper: 7,029 13. McCree: 6,423 14. Genji: 3,997 15. Roadhog: 3,661 16. Hanzo: 2,048 17. Soldier: 76: 1,676 18. Winston: 882 19. Reinhardt: 453 20. Bastion: 197 So Tracer handily takes the dick-shaped cake, with D.Va coming in distant second. Lucio is the first dude to appear on the list with a paltry 22,808 searches, because despite an impressively (for a mainstream big-budget game) diverse cast, the Overwatch porn scene is still mostly the domain of straight guys. Advertisement Other details of note: Sombra came in fifth even though nobody knew what she looked like until…


One-Punch Man Sex Game Gets Discounts Right

Deep Discount I always felt that One-Punch Man’s Saitama and his cyborg student Genos were bound by something stronger than fighting together. What I didn’t consider is that it’s a threesome with one of One-Punch Man’s goofiest villains. Advertisement New PC title Deep Discount: Coupon Crisis! is a very NSFW sex game about Saitama’s love affair with Genos (predictably) and (unpredictably) Saitama’s eternal rival, Speed-O’-Sound Sonic. It made me scream, and that’s just from its prose. Deep Discount is a total riot for One-Punch Man fans who love inside jokes, even with minimal gameplay and a 20-minute-long run time. “There are a lot of attractive characters in OPM,” developer Kasey Van Hise told me, “and it only seemed right to get Saitama laid.” Deep Discount Deep Discount opens strong with the most important thing in Saitama’s life: a discount at the grocery store. In episode 3 of One-Punch Man, Saitama is fist-to-fist with monster enemy Carnage Kabuto, who is in full-on Carnage Mode, when the invincible hero realizes that it is Saturday. Saturday is discount day at the supermarket. Rightfully, Saitama goes berserk, fearing he’d miss out on the deals: Deep Discount riffs on that moment, beginning with a…

come yourself to death

A Sex Video Game That Always Lets You Say 'No'

The opening scene in Cute Demon Crashers is a bored, horny, virgin college girl who’s home alone during spring break. Suddenly three incubi and a succubus, male and female sex demons, appear out of a portal in her hallway. The player is then faced with one question: how does the virgin react? (NSFW content warning.) Advertisement One of the first narrative choices given by Cute Demon Crashers is to call the cops, but that’s no fun; game over. The alternative leads to the player deciding how to spend the next day bonding with these new demonic friends and then picking which one the main character wants to sleep with. This situation is a mutually beneficial arrangement—the demons gain nourishment from her pleasure, and she gets an opportunity to learn some new tricks. Or, if you’re just not that into any of them, you can decline their advances. They won’t make you feel bad about it at all. While playing the game you’ll choose the rooms in the house you’ll want the main character to hang out in during the day, and that will afford opportunities for you to talk with one of the four demons. These conversations expose more insight…


Four Years Later, Mass Effect Fans Are Still Trying To 'Fix' Tali's Sex Scene

When people think ‘Mass Effect’ and ‘controversy,’ the first thing that typically comes to mind is the commotion around the endings, but that wasn’t the only thing fans took issue with. Remember the whole thing around Tali’Zorah’s romance? (NSFW warning.) Advertisement Tali is a romance able squadmate who, throughout the entirety of the saga, never outright reveals her face. Lore-wise, the idea is that Tali hails from the Quarian race, a faction that is known for weak immune systems that they protect with full-body suits. Of course, if you happen to seduce Tali, she has to take the suit off. The player never really sees much beyond a ~tasteful fade to black~, though. After the end of the romance route in Mass Effect 3, Commander Shepard starts displaying a picture in his living quarters purporting to show Tali’s real face. While sweet in theory, players discovered that Tali’s face was based on a modified version of a stock image, and that caused a lot of rage back in the day: Fast-forward a few years, and it seems that some people are still kind of hung up on how that storyline unfolded. A SFM version of the sex scene created by…